Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
