oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
