The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
