I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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