Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
