I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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