Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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