your thong is hanging out like whoa
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
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