apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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