Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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