You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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