he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.