i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
