So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
