Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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