This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
