Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
