I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
