you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
