zippers are such a cool invention
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
