i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
