i was born a porn star she said
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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