Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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