My room smells like vodka and shame
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
