it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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