One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize