Best friends brother. Beat that.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
