Will you blow on my dice?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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