If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Randomize
