I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
