I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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