Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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