Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
