sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
