So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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