I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
