I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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