I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
