I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Randomize
