i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
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