I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
