Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
