I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
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