My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
