That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just gift wrapped bread.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
