Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
