I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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