Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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