If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
