I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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