there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
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