somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
