My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Randomize
